I never had this problem before. I was never scared to burn the bridges, turn my back on them and never ever look back. In fact, some could even fault me for being so...(ruthless? merciless? What is the word?). It applied to both professional/academic as well as personal life. No regrets, quick decisions, no dependencies, and just look ahead. Those were the keywords. But burning bridges is getting scary.
I wonder if this is because I'm growing older? Maybe the "I dont care" attitude of youth is finally leaving me! But I thought that was a character that was deep rooted in me - not an attitude associated with chronology! I thought I was the kind who could dream earningly of something, but the next moment embrace something totally opposite. And its not as if it has never happened. So many instances, so many nostalgic memories.....but never regrets. Never fear.
I am setting fire to one bridge in my life right now. As with so many others before it, I would at times, "think" of going back to look for the ashes - but time wouldn't allow it. And the thoughts would be dismissed as soon as they pop up. And if they do manage to reach the top of my mind, I may temporarily allow myself to fantasize - no, not about going back, never. But about what would the people on the other side be thinking about me now? Are they remembering me with fondness? Do they think "Oh, she was a good one to work with, study with, be friends with..." and such inane stuff. Maybe I should call them? Nah, thats too much effort and well, thats a even more scarier prospect - What on earth would I talk to them?! Email would be much better. Oh ya, a two liner on what I am doing, what you doing, see, I've come far and well, are you still there? Dont tell me... kind of a mail.
No, I dont think I should be that harsh on myself. I do know creulty is not one of my deep-rooted characters! Not if you are not messing up with my dear ones or dear possessions.Ha, she still adds the "possessions" and thinks of them as dear! When would she learn!!
Getting back, an email sent and waiting for reply - and then once it comes, easily forget it after reading it a couple of times and smiling happily......
Fear....fear is making me talk to people I shouldn't be listening to. They don't play any part in my life other than having been on the bridge at the same time and having shared a few moments with me ...of laughter, of fierce competition, of rivalries never explored. Hah!
As for the lit-bridge now.....throw the fear out I say. What on earth can happen? Maybe I will become jobless one day because of my actions today? Well, I will sit at home and paint - ya, that's what I will do. Generalities don't apply. Not to me. Not to someone who wants to oh, so passionately believe that every milli-second is an opportunity to change life. If I can imagine I can close my eyes and I will be elsewhere (I believed in Magic while I was younger, maybe I do even now), I can handle this. Yes. I can.
Never shall anyone say she didn't know how to face it. I shall and I will.
Oh, what a self-centered post this one has turned out to be! hahahaha!