Friday, October 21, 2011

What is my baby doing?

Alert: This is a 'Rant' post though I wouldn't really call it that. Make it a 'shout-out' to the universe to make things right. Yep, that seems just about right. 'Shouting out to the universe to make things Right' post this is. And please do not ask me about this or refer to this happenstance you meet or talk to me anytime. For you, this is one of those posts you just read and forget in the big wild jungle of blogs while for me this is one of the posts that I will wish sometime in the future that I had not posted but hey today I don't feel that so here goes.

So I've returned to work now. It's easy but its also getting tougher as the hours passby and I don't get an update on how my baby is doing. I feel so cheated by the entire thing. What's wrong in me checking up every hour? What's wrong in me asking for every small detail? After all this is just the second day I am leaving her in 15 months and it feels like I 'forgot' something essential at home. Everytime I look at the clock, I wonder what she is doing? Has she had her morning milk? Has she been bathed? Is she taking her first nap of the day? Is she still coughing as she was when she woke up when I left home? To a mom who has watched her child EVERY waking minute in the past five and odd months, isn't it but normal to worry about how her baby is doing in someone else' care? Admiteddly that someone might care for her just as much as me but hey this is my second day away from her and I am sorry but I just can't trust another person to care for her like I have/would have done so. Yes, things might be happening differently, she might take a longer nap, refuse to be put down, take half an hour to finish a bottle vis-a-vis the five minute gulp down she does with me BUT I want to know it. AND I want to wonder aloud, YES ALOUD, IN YOUR FACE ALOUD, and ask the caretaker WHY. It doesn't mean I am doubting the caretaker's ability to take care but simply I have the need to ask WHY. Withholding this information from me and not allowing me to know what my baby is doing at any given point in time when I am away from her feels so wrong to me.

My chest gets heavy and my head starts to ache as every minute passes without a sign of a message, call or email about her. And I can't call or do any of it myself lest I anger the caretaker and that affects how my baby is taken care. Tears roll down my cheeks without worrying that I am surrounded by a hundred or so people in the open office. I want to be home taking care of my baby. Going for hours together without food under a hot roof soothing a fussy child or controlling the urge to pee for endless mintues to just have one more 'minute' with the baby and successfully have her take a nap is far more preferable to me than sitting in a perfectly airconditioned room with endless 'me' time ahead. This is all so so wrong. And all because I need to work. All because I need to provide for the future comforts 'we' have planned. All freaking because I made some decisions in life that I shouldn't have. But it all doesn't matter now. Right now. I just wish one thing. I just wish someone would tell me what my baby is doing now.

Edited to add: So I overreacted but I am not going to delete it :)) Blame it on the hormones!