Thursday, June 9, 2005

Where am I at the moment?

Nowhere. Well actually I can’t really say that. I’m sitting in front of the computer at my office that I have come to call my own and wondering about what to write! It’s been long since I felt good enough to write, synonymous with introspect for me, leaving those dumb posts on other things, other people, others’ philosophies and generally ‘other’ moments in life out. Of course, like cloud bursts in a desert, I did grab some beautiful words out of the air, literally, and acted as a medium to write them down! But other than that, it has almost come to the stage where I started doubting whether I could write at all – not that I ever prided myself on how good I write (that’s 40% true!) And before this turns into some gibberish on ‘my writing’, let me steer the boat the other way, know not which one yet!

So, where am I? Hmm, I am happy, can’t refute that. I have got everything any normal person could ask for (normal – that’s one nice insult to this world sans me – a subtle way of saying am not normal! Isn’t it amazing how the human mind always wants to see itself as something different, not normal?)

• I have got a great job that lets me do things I would have paid a thousand rupees to do, maybe even a year back! And on top of it, my job lets me participate in intellectually stimulating discussions, meetings and brainstorming sessions (No sarcasm, intended or otherwise!) – I get to observe people’s behavior and it makes for a great thought-feeding time pass to rely on in those “staring into space” moments. What’s more, they pay me!
• I have at last stopped getting excited over the brown envelopes my father used to send religiously on fifth of every month (He didn’t believe in money order – You could call it eternal optimism and complete faith in the snail mail system!) Instead my excitement now is dot on 7 PM, 31st of every month. I call it total independence and I call it buying power
• My personal life is like the last few pages of the M & B’s I used to read few years back – those pages with no tears, lots of smiles, many hugs (but no toe-curling scenes, you hear!) and kids playing. We are one big happy family, looking forward to good times in the future :)
• I continue to have the occasional adventures, trips, tours and getaways that make me think I have traveled far and wide. This one is important for the ‘wanderer’ in me to feel she is satisfied!
• My relationships? (How is it different from personal life, you ask? Well, I’m talking about non-personal relationships that I have always been known for!) They can’t be any better – I am no one’s enemy and everyone’s nice acquaintance. Isn’t that nice?
• I occupy my free time, the very less of it that I get all for myself, with silly books like “The monk who sold his Ferrari” and ‘maybe good’ books like “Meditation is boring?” and ‘my favorites’ like “The pilgrimage”. But do I think about what I read from them? I like to think so. My sub-conscious, while the physical me was sleeping, would have surely taken care of it?
• Oh ya, the most important thing – I am perfectly healthy bar the occasional ‘tap tap’ from the various regions of my body.

So you can say VJ is one happy person.

But I don’t want to be just happy! What’s the point of just being happy? So what do I want? I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know! (How’s the effect of this one?)

The only answer that seems fit, an old one by now, is I want wisdom! I want complete detachment! And I want oblivion!

PS: In case anyone who happens by this direction is wondering why I write stuff like this.....I write them to come back and read later, when am all old and teethless :)

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