Indian Mommies

Yet again, I discover a whole new world of amazing blogs out there. This time, they are mommy blogs. And I have fallen hopelessly in love. With them and my new role as a mommy. Here I come...

The first thing to do ofcourse is to re-design my blog to suit my new status. So bear with my little experiments, widgets, and all the Web2.0 compliance attempts (if you can call it that!!).

New beginnings

Sometime back, this blog had a different name, different look and a lot many different stuff. But after a particularly sensitive post and its consequences, I decided to move to a slightly more anonymous identity. I do not want people to call me up after reading my posts and enquire "oh poor thing, are you really lonely? what happened? did he... blah blah blah". However well-intended they are.

I am a very private person emotionally and I see this blog as a place where I can express myself freely without the usual need for appearances, etiquette, and all that crap. And when a friend called up after reading this post, I really freaked out! I decided then and there that my blog needs to go underground and disappear from the vision of friends, family and acquaintances. Unless ofcourse I end up asking my hubby or best friend to visit my blog after composing a post I am proud of!

So, here's to new beginnings! A drop of wisdom is born and I hope it gives me more freedom..... to rant, rave and reel :)

Statue!

Remember the game of Statue that we used to play while we were kids? When you are supposed to stand still without even batting your eyes...When desperately try not to move and fervently pray you don’t get a sneeze or a scratch? This is Statue that I am playing with myself – am holding still without batting my eyes – and while at that, am taking a look at my life...

• It feels exhilarating to start all over again. And its seems to be happening at the right time in my life
• I am almost jobless at work and yet content for the time being
• And life at the personal front has just settled down - my baby is going to turn one any day now and I have resigned myself to the way of life i have chosen
• Leaving the baby at home and going to work almost kills me, especially when I see her trying to wave me tata every morning with tears in the corner of her eyes
• I have become a mom and it feels like I have won the world. I want to spend more time with my baby but the pressures of life makes me keep moving without stopping for a even a thinking minute lest I realize something and take decisions that are not conducive to the situation am in
• After all, what would I do if I quit work and sit at home?
• Yes, there is baby, but what about me? What about the nice big house I want with the beautiful garden of my dreams? What about the car? What about the amazing life I plan to give my daughter?
• Nah, quitting work is not an option. Not anymore. Never was.
• But will baby grow up learning the right things? What about my role as a mom?
• Friends….. a word that I don’t utter these days. All my friends are back in Chennai and with my decision to move in the name of studies, career and marriage, perhaps I have forever foregone those wonderful souls that were around whenever I wanted them to be.
• Husband – ya, I am getting there. Nagging wife, loving wife, 2 year wife, numerous google searches, vetti time spent on ivillage reading all those self-help, how-to articles! Long way to go!
• Family – And by family hear I mean my amma, appa and my akka. And of course my niece and nephew. They are the real family to me. And how I miss them. Time is flying by so fast and before I realized it, my sister’s baby has grown up to a big girl. The baby that I held in my arms straight out of her mother’s womb (alright little exaggerated there!). Will I ever get those days back?
• I wish…. I wish so many things that I do not have the courage to utter out loud. I wish so many things…
• So many things……
• And I'm writing my blog in a bulleted list!!!!!!!!!!!

The story of two crows – before and after – a brief study

What a fine summer morning it was. Everything looked so beautiful and nice. There was nothing that could mar this day, so perfect was it that no other day in history could compare. The two crows were sitting side by side, huddled closely together, as lovers usually do. His beak was stuck in her feathers, intent on grooming her perfectly.

“Ouch” shrieked she.

“Oh, my delicate rose, am sorry” said he, muttering repeatedly “so sorry, so sorry”. You could hear him apologizing far into the night.

It was just an “ouch”.

A few months later….

It was again a fine summer morning. The sky was looking brighter than ever and all the flowers were in full bloom. Did you think the other day was actually good? You should see this day then. So colorful, so lovely. The two crows were sitting side by side in the tree, in a sudden moment of silence. She seemed to spot a fat worm on the ground and zoom she flew to get it for him. If it was really a fat worm, that should serve well as his breakfast. He should like it.

Few minutes later, she flew back in with the worm in her beak. In her excitement to show him his meal, she missed an inch accidentally and banged hard against him.

“Oh, am sorry dear” uttered she sincerely, but meekly.

“You stupid crow, can’t you watch where you are flying?” shouted he, adding insultingly “what an idiotic coconut shell you are”.

It was just an “inch”.

End of story.

From a delicate rose to a hard coconut shell in a matter of few months.

The before and after of the crows’ love life – a study.

Being lonely is a lifetime story

As a child, I remember being very insecure, lonely, and afraid. So afraid of so many things. Clinging to my mom, reluctant to go to school… begging her to take me with her wherever she goes. To her office too if possible but not to the damn school please. Please... ..not to be.

I can’t understand, even now, why I was so wary of going to school – was it because there was no one I could call a friend at school? Not true. I can recollect laughing happily with two idiotic fools…one, a mentally retarded child, and another - a crackpot.. and all of us fools tickling and falling all over each other…laughing crazily…. Only to be reprimanded by the teacher…. That must have been UKG…. But after that, not many happy memories. Always sidelined, not the class topper but not a dull student either who needs attention. I was stuck in between somewhere in the universe dominated by bright overachievers and dull & vacant kids. Wallowing happily in the list of people who are always ignored and not noticed.

I do remember thinking and dreaming nice things that all the kids do… only difference being, I was always alone in my thoughts – not a word of it to another being on Earth. Maybe to the cats occasionally and the plants but not to anyone else. Just when I thought, maybe there is hope after all, my grandma left me and died! For a child who was the grandma’s favorite and for who, grandma was a savior in this big bad world, that was quiet a blow. I used to cry quietly into my pillow so many nights… the sorrow of a young heart wanting to get out, but ashamed of being ridiculed. So brave outside, so afraid inside. So lonely.

As a young adult, I remember stepping a little out of the shell of loneliness and attempting to make friends. I was so stupid and so so desperate to make friends that I used to write letters to the girl in the next street during the summer holidays. Never mind that that girl turned out to be my best friend later in life! But crazily enough, all the friends I made were exactly like me!!!! Imagine that! Few years passed by, I forgot I was ever lonely…. The tumultuous period of teenage, crushes, friends, crowds, roaming around… life was good for some time. There were ups and downs of course… the usual sob story of crushes turning ugly and heroes turning villains but hey overall, I kinda liked that period of my life. Don’t think I was so lonely… not with my best friend and my sister always by my side.

And then, I did the most stupid thing ever possible on Earth. I grew up. I started getting ambitions. I decided to torture myself by moving to a new city where I didn’t know a single soul – all in the name of higher studies and career. Ha, ha… another crazy period in life where my past returned to haunt me in all its glory. Again crying into the pillows every night in a row… missing my parents, sister, friends… Two years of loneliness. I compensated by becoming a good dramatist. Loud, crass, bright, attention-seeking, dominant…were some of the words people would have used when referring to me. I don’t think anyone would have associated lonely with me. But that I was.

Anyway, as bound to happen, love did. A year or two of bliss… I had almost banned the ghost to the darkest closet in the house. Thought love had done what nobody else had done – I could happily step out of my shell without being afraid of getting hurt. So I stepped out. Life happened. Went on.

And today, I realize loneliness is a lifetime story. I can’t banish it anywhere. And nobody can break it. It is there and I better accept it. After a few therapeutic sessions with the pillow, I decided to write a story on it – and I hope I am on my way to accepting the ghost as part of my life.

I toast - “To times to come, hey loneliness, I hope you will stand by me! Cheers!”

PS: As mentioned somewhere in this story, no one will ever believe this of me… I am the very example of being happy, cheerful, and having the most blessed of life. J I think I really like this - being stuck in the oblivion of ‘being average’.

New entrant :)